You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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