See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
