My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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