this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
