He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Moan for me like Helen Keller
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
