I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize