did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
