You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
