i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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