i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
