I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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