if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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