How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
