fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I believe in your delicious
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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