i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he shaved USA in his pubs
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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