so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
