I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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