I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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