6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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