I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
