My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
