There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
