The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm at about main and main street
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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