Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
