# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
