I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
