Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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