Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
