How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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