he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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