Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
