Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
