Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
