I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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