i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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