I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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