I need to stop coming to work sober
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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