her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
