Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
