So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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