Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
