and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
