I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
