He told me they were just razor bumps!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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