I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
