How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
