You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
