the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
false alarm. still invincible.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
