highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
