I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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