420 ftw
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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