i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
