I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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