I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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