Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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