8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
